


Dear Alexander

by aceflowerchild



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Rewrite, also the first rendition of this sucked, but u can picture whatever u want i cant stop u, enjoy?, i pictured lmm cast, most of this is letter, sorry if u wanted to read the first one but it was bad so it is gone, this is in honor of one year on ao3!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 23:40:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10320218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceflowerchild/pseuds/aceflowerchild
Summary: Letters are written, but never sent.(based on a song written by a tumblr user that I unfortunately cannot find!)





	1. Dear Alexander

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is a rewrite of my first ever story on ao3, in honor of me having been on here for a whole year! wow. but yeah, if you read the first version, i'm so sorry. you should read this one, it's so much better. if u didn't, don't worry about it! enjoy!

John Laurens sat in his tent with the only source of light being a small, near-dead candle. ‘Much like many of my fellow soldiers,’ Laurens thought.

The winter had been hard on the Continental Army and many good men had been lost, some whose names John did not know, even now.

He felt guilt twist in his gut, knowing that he could have saved some of them, or even just one, had he been faster or cleverer. Stronger.

John swore to himself then, that he would do whatever it took to keep his friends out of harm’s way, even if that meant putting himself in their place.

Mulligan was undercover in New York, gathering information from loose-lipped British soldiers and Lafayette had gone back to France to ask for reinforcements. John could not reach either of them, which only left him Hamilton to watch after and ensure the safety of.

Which brought him back to the task at hand. Laurens had spent several weeks in very close proximity with Alexander, the two of them writing essay after essay together, bodies pressed against each other as they pored over the parchment.

This was what Laurens was doing in that moment, although this time he was (mostly) alone (his tent mate slept like the dead, thankfully), and it was a very different sort of essay.

Not much of an essay in fact, but more of a confession.

A confession of love.

And John knew that he should not be feeling the things that he did for Alexander, but after so many days filled with hours of being so close to the man, John had begun to notice things; dark eyes that held both deep sorrow and a fiery passion; pink lips that never seemed to cease in their movements, even when Alexander wasn’t speaking (in the back of John’s mind, he wondered what they would feel like on his own, but he banished the thought); long, black hair that looked so soft and silky, if only John could reach out and touch it-

Laurens shook his head to clear his thoughts. He looked down at the parchment and cursed silently – in his lapse of concentration a drop of ink had fallen from the quill he held, suspended over the letter, and splattered over the last paragraph he had written.

He dipped his quill back into the inkwell and hurriedly copied the paragraph again, underneath of the damage the ink splatter had done.

When he finished, his eyes scanned over the page, re-reading his words.

Underneath of the first few lines, which Laurens had crossed out, the letter truly began.

_Dear Alexander,_

_There are so many things I wish to say to you, and yet, I cannot fathom how to put a single one of them into writing. I simply do not know what to say to you, how to say it! How does one word the constantly churning thoughts he has in his head? I do not know how you do it, dear boy, and so I must commend you for it._

_I think I shall start at your eyes, as I believe them to be your most striking feature. They are always so filled with emotion, and I often find myself getting lost in their dark depths._

_It is said that the eyes are the windows to the soul, though I did not fully believe this to be true until I met you, for your eyes, dear Alexander, will always betray you. One look and I will understand if you are sad or joyful or angry. Although telling your anger is never very difficult dear boy._

_When you are angry, you are so with every fiber of your being, every part of your soul, and it shows, quite clearly I might add, in your eyes and your voice and in every line of your face. You feel every emotion with all that you are, Alexander, and I would not know it if I did not know you so well; the way your eyes soften when you find something endearing, how your voice will differ between false calm and true contentment, and the way you say my name when you are excited. I love the happiness that shines through your face and the way the syllables roll off of your tongue._

_My name has always only ever been important because of my father, but you make it important simply by how you say it, and if the last thing I heard before I died was my name on your lips, then I would die happy._

_I am so much happier in your presence than I can even being to understand how to explain. It’s as if you showed me the light of the sun after spending my whole life underground, and with just your smile, I was gone._

_For Alexander, your smile shines so bright that it could melt a frozen lake and bring warmth to the coldest of hearts, and I would like to dedicate all of my life to just that smile._

_Realistically, of course, I know that is ridiculous. But I will dedicate myself and my days to you. I will fight for what you fight and live for what you live, if that would be enough for you dear boy._

_And together, we will fight this war. To save ourselves from pain and suffering, to release the colonies from the iron fist of Britain. We will fight for love and freedom for all. To begin this world anew. And to make things right, to make them as they should be._

_At times I fear for you, and I fear for our friends, even Burr, but I know that we are strong and we will see this war through to the end. To victory. I know not what motivates the others, but I know that you are what convinces me to keep fighting with all that I am and why I wish to live to the end of each battle._

_For you, Alexander, I have fallen so hard. Your eyes draw me in and your voice is so beautiful and your smile has set my soul on fire. I will never be the same. And falling for you, dear boy, was certainly not the smartest thing I have done. But then, I have always had a tendency for making bad decisions. That is something we have in common._

_These feelings are new to me Alexander. I have never felt like this for anyone. I do not know how to express myself to you so that you understand. But these feelings terrify me Alexander. So much so that I wish to flee at times, run and never look back. But that is a coward’s way out, and I am not a coward. So I will stay by you._

_I will stay, and even if you never receive this letter, even if I keep these feelings to myself, I will protect you as best as I can, for I do not know what I’ll do if you die. And so, I shall keep you safe._

Laurens stared at the words, unsure of how to continue. He knew what he felt and what he wanted to say, ideally, but the world wasn’t ideal in any sense of the word. John knew this very well. But then, so much of the letter made the way he felt quite obvious. He took a deep breath and continued writing, no longer caring what would happen if the letter was found.

_Alexander, my dearest, you are my closest friend. I don’t wish to ruin our friendship, but I cannot keep silent how I feel any longer. I love you. I love you and I love you more than I can comprehend, more than even these words can convey to you._

_You are my closest friend, my dearest, Alexander, and I cannot lose you, but I love you with all that I am._

_Wholeheartedly yours, John_

John set down the quill and looked over the letter once more.

And then he remembered: _Eliza._

_Eliza, Eliza, Eliza._

With every repetition of her name, he ripped and tore until the letter lay in shreds before him. He could not do this to her, to Alexander, could not ruin their lives the way he had ruined his own.

And John Laurens sat there, head in hands, unsure himself if he was laughing or crying. Perhaps both. He sat until the near-dead candle finally sputtered and died, and John found himself wishing to be the same.


	2. Oh Laurens

Later that night (much later, technically morning, but who was keeping track?) Alexander Hamilton was in a different tent with a different candle illuminating a letter of a very similar nature to John Laurens’.

He was chewing on his thumbnail, rereading what he had written.

_Dearest Laurens,_

_I think that I shall get straight to the point. You incite in me a feeling which no other can. A feeling that I do not even believe I am entirely familiar with._

_But Laurens, your smile! When you smile, I feel as if I am coming apart and being put together once more, but different. Better, for having just seen that smile of yours. You undo me, like an old coat unraveling until I am nothing, nothing but buttons and string on the floor, taking me apart to recreate me into something new!_

_You make my heart thrum and my blood rush and I feel warm and happy and most of all safe when I am with you. I feel at home which is something I have not felt for a very long time._

_And when I think of this Laurens, when I think of how you make me feel, of how happy I am, I know what this is. I know the word that I am searching for. And while it may not be right, I do not care. For it is Love. I love you, John Laurens, and I do not care that it is wrong! I care that you are safe. And I feel so much more inside me, more than I ever have, more than since my mother died. Since before my father left. I feel so much love for you that it is hard to understand how it is not spilling out of every orifice at every moment._

_And Laurens, you are so beautiful. You outshine the sun, morning, noon, and night, with your freckles covering your face as if God wanted to take the beauty of the constellations and give them to you so that the stars could be closer to Earth for all the world to enjoy their beauty upon your face._

_Laurens, my dearest, Laurens, every part of your being makes me feel as if there is something worth fighting for. As if there is a reason to all that we are doing. You make me wish for a better world._

_And John, I have fallen, fallen so hard that I cannot believe that the very Earth has not cracked beneath me._

_And I know that there are complications, I know the law of the land and Eliza and what the Bible says, but Oh! If this is a sin, if what I feel is wrong, then I am more than willing to go to Hell, if even it exists. I am willing to face the punishment of this Love, especially if it means keeping you safe._

_Laurens, I have never felt this before. You are the first person I have loved with this intensity. There is only one other, and that is Eliza. Oh, Laurens, if only I could have you both. But do not doubt my affections for you. Even if I cannot love you openly, I do promise that I will stick around. I know I’d be called insane, but I simply do not care._

_I will make this a safe world, for you, me, Eliza, and all of the colonies. For every last person on this Earth. I will bleed and fight for freedom, for safety, for the colonies to wake, and to start this new nation. I will lay the foundation for this nation to build upon, and I trust that you will be by my side, helping._

_John, we will blow everyone away with our spirit. Perhaps not today, but someday dear, someday we shall blow them all away._

_Yrs forever, A. Ham._

He folded the letter and sighed, putting in the drawstring bag with all of the other letters he would never send. Letters to his mother, his brother, his future children, and more to John.

As he shut the bag, he pulled out another piece of parchment, and began to write.

_We will blow them all away._


	3. The Song

(To the tune of Dear Theodosia)

 

[LAURENS]  
Dear Alexander, what to say to you?  
Look at those eyes,  
The way you say my name.  
When you came into my world you smiled…  
And you stole my heart.

I’m dedicating every day to you,  
Domestic life has never been your style-  
But, you smiled-  
You knocked me out, I fell so hard,  
And I know it wasn’t smart.

We will fight to wake this young nation,  
We’ll bleed and fight because,  
It’ll make it right for us.  
If we lay a strong enough foundation,  
We’ll see the battle through,  
I will do it for you,  
And we’ll blow them all away.

Someday, someday…  
Yeah, we’ll blow them all away,  
Someday, someday…

[HAMILTON]  
Oh, Laurens, when you smile I am undone,  
My John,  
I’m so far gone-  
Love’s clearly the word I’m looking for,  
I feel so much more inside me, now.

Oh, Laurens, you outshine the morning sun,  
My John,  
When you smiled…  
I fell so hard-  
And I thought I was so smart.

I’ve never felt this before.

[LAURENS]  
I’ve never felt this before.

[HAMILTON]  
I swear, that I’ll stick around for you.

[LAURENS]  
I’ll stick around for you.

[HAMILTON]  
I know they’ll call us insane,

[LAURENS]  
I will shield you from the pain,

[BOTH]  
I’ll make the world safe and sound for you.

We will fight to wake this young nation,  
We’ll bleed and fight because,  
It’ll make it right for us.  
If we lay a strong enough foundation,  
We’ll see the battle through,  
Did you know I love you?  
And we’ll blow them all away.

Someday, someday,  
Yeah, we’ll blow them all away,  
Someday, someday.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked that, please feel free to leave kudos and comments, and also, hmu on tumblr [@hckin-nerd](hckin-nerd.tumblr.com) I always like to hear from you guys, so yeah! see you next time!


End file.
